We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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