I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
