also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Pooping to opera.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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