When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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