Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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