I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just google imaged poop.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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