so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
