god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
