he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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