Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
