Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
