Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
