True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
