I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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