My Higher Power is John Stamos
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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