the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
