a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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