I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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