I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
