My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
