i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
