Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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