I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
