I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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