i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
