after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
