I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
