im six kinds of drunk right now
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
