Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
