I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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