he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
