why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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