Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
