im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
