An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
