i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
