Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
