my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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