How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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