So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
