Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
