I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
