Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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