I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
