He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
