apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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