soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
