No stitches, just platelets and will power
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
