Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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