why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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