I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Mom said you looked used
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize