textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
