We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
