threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
