im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
