i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
