Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
