it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
