I'm lost and stupid without you.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
